"The Five Stages of Grief over the Presidential Election"
(With apologies to psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)
Denial: We've still got those provisional ballots in Ohio to count. Absentee ballots all over the place. The electors could decide not to give their votes to Bush. It's not over yet.
Anger: F***K YOU, America. F***K. YOU. You like 100,000 dead Iraqi civilians because of your false war? Eight thousand wounded and 1,100 American soldiers dead in Iraq because your imperial hubris and incompetent post-war planning wasn't enough to quench your desire for misguided vengeance?
Great, well you're gonna have a lot more blood on your hands. Don't want gay marriage? You got your way. A lot of good it's gonna do when you can't afford your prescription drugs, your unemployment benefits have run out, and your kid's fucking school is overcrowded. And don't think for a f***king second that "tort reform" is going to make a difference, because it won't.
Global warming is real and you just sealed the deal. Balanced budget? Ha. And when the Bush Supreme Court makes abortion illegal again, and thousands of women are dying from unsafe back-alley abortions, that's on you, America.
Thought the world just hated our government? The world hates you the people now, America, you stupid, weak, arrogant, ignorant sons of bitches. In 30 years, when people look back at what happened on November 2nd, 2004, and ask what people were thinking, all I'll have to say is, "F**k you."
Bargaining: Please, America, think about what you've just done. We'll give you your tort reform and your partially privatized social security. We'll quit bitching about how the 2000 election was stolen. Take some school vouchers, give it another try, maybe it'll actually work this time around. More handguns for everyone. We'll lock away Michael Moore. Just please, please, please don't let Bush back in office for four more years.
Depression: F**k. I mean, just, f**k. I can't take another four years of this. This is horrible. Disgusting. I just want to curl up in the fetal position and lie in the dark until it's over. Where's my tub of cake icing?
Acceptance: Bring it on, motherf**kers! Republicans control the House, the Senate, the White House, and Bush is gonna have three or four Supreme Court justices to appoint. Bring on the radical rightwing conservative agenda. No more blaming Clinton or the Democrats. It's on the Republicans' heads now.
And on the bright side...umm...I'll get back to you on that one.