Thursday, August 11, 2005

Gurgle, gurgle ....

My stomach problems continued over the past few days. I've had some stress over the wedding and reception plans, but mostly it's anger and frustration with some relatives over the nuptials.

I can't talk about it now because it's too exhausting to think about. Plus, you'd get depressed. And we can't have that.

Suffice it to say that some people think everything is about them, and f**ck all what you think or feel - even though you're bending over backwards for them.

Re marriage jitters: It's not as if I don't want to be with E. We've been together for years and years, since Bubba was in the White House. I'm not going anywhere.

It's just, wow, marriage. It is a big effing deal. When you're in a relationship but not married, and one or both of you mess up, it's like, "No harm, no foul." (Though that isn't really true, either.)

But, marriage. So huge. So monumental. I've come close to tying the knot two other times with past boyfriends. But didn't. (I'm a slippery little sucker.) I'm scared of mucking it up somehow, of failing miserably. I hate failing. At anything. And especially at this.

But at some point, one just has to screw up one's courage.

And jump.

Running Update: Ran 5.5 miles at dusk with M. and K. earlier this evening. I chatted happily with M. about movies while K. ran a few steps quietly but companionably behind us. He hasn't been as talkative lately, but then again, M. talks enough for two people. And K. seemed to be in a good mood, na'theless.

We ran south on the Mt. Vernon trail, which is really quite romantic at night. We had front-row views of the Washington and Jefferson monuments, which were all lit up, the Potomac river on our left placidly lapped the shore, and weeping willows and other verdant trees lined the trail.

The only downer was running through itinerant clouds of skeeters and gnats. Ah, summer in Washington.

9 comments:

  1. Maybe I'll pass you on my bike on the Mt. Vernon trail soon. And I'd still rather be in your position - on the cusp of marriage - than my desperately single status now.

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  2. You are right to be cautious and right to take that leap of faith, too. If I ever do it again, I am sure I will have the same hesitations and concerns. The running path sounds lovley!

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  3. hmm...well bex - since you seem intent upon this marriage thing the idea here is to celebrate your relationship with Mr. Wee. In honor of that perhaps we can call you bexwee?
    The actual event is you sharing vows - significant certainly but overcrowded by other's expectations & desires, pomp & circumstance. Maybe the key is to take everything with a grain of salt.
    I did this at my very traditional first (and last)wedding by not wearing shoes. No one seemed to notice until about half way through the service when my very hard of hearing elderly aunt shouted 'Betty are they wearing shoes!?!'

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  4. I'm sure if I had a planned wedding with all the whistles and bells I would have jumped ship. instead we did our usual spontaneous thing and went to the judge one day to get it over with. he called his mom afterwards and I never did really tell my folks. Our neighbors were fighting the other day about how to celebrate their anniversary and we couldn't remember exactly what day ours was.

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  5. (Oh geeze, now you're getting comment spam! Just what you need!)

    I feel for you re: wedding b.s. What is it with relatives? They all need to just chill!!

    This is a big leap, and if you weren't freaking out a little, that would be weird. So, you're normal.

    If I ever take the plunge again, it will be small, smaller, and simple. Like cake and punch simple. But this is one thing that is not on my worry list at present!

    (P.S. I love the barefoot idea!)

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  6. Hang in there, Bex. Hope your stomach will make it through the ceremony! :D

    "It's just, wow, marriage. It is a big effing deal. When you're in a relationship but not married, and one or both of you mess up, it's like, "No harm, no foul."

    Actually, I think you have this backwards. I always thought that if you are swearing an oath, in front of everyone, of ultimate loyalty to your spouse, I think that says you treat it all as "No harm, no foul".

    You are agreeing to work through *anything* and, regardless of what the offense was, your love and loyalty to them comes first.

    I think the fact that you have gotten close and "slipped" away twice before says volumes about just how seriously you take a oath like that. Its a a beautiful thing, but a serious one too.

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  7. I eat banannas when my stomach is like that, and stay away from coffee. Honestly, it really works.

    Hang in there!

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  8. Good comments, all. And I'm especially grateful to my fellow RBF'ers, for their sage (as usual) advice. Will keep you posted on the nuptials!

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  9. To Truth: I love the barefoot idea. It's great that you injected humor into a ceremony that's much too stuffy!

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